Right, so, I’m posting this because I’m scared.
For the past 2 weeks, I keep getting dried crusted blood in my nose. Except I’m not. I’ll get it on my hands and suddenly I won’t be able to breath and I look again… and it’s not there.
I had a nose bleed on the train the other day. A horrible one. It was literally dripping down my face onto my clothes. I even took a photo. I was quite fúcked at this point and just kind of wiped it off as best I could. The next day, the photo had no blood and there was no blood on my clothes.
I’m thrashing and shouting in my sleep more, I’m getting more stomach pains and headaches. I also keep seeing people. I mean, literally seeing my friends in front of me when I’m out and about and having conversations and then I’ll say goodbye, turn back, and they won’t be there…like at all. And people will be staring at me and sometimes laughing.
I’m scared and I need help.
Decided on an outfit. Writing it down to make sure that when I come back to assembling it, it’s all there.
Turquiose hair, my black and blue cat ears with bows and bells, my Chesire cat smile face paint, gothic lolita blouse, my black and blue star dust shorts, black and blue vertical stripe tights, and my black four inch creepers.
I went to see my councillor today, and this is what happened.
So I went to see the Chris (my councillor) for the first time in 2 months today. My form tutor emailed her because I had an anxiety attack in the middle of class on Tuesday. Chris said that she’d been worried as she felt I wasn’t ready to finish counselling when I chose to stop going and asked me how things were going. I truthfully replied that things had been shit. For various reasons including;
- my lack of personal space/privacy/room/bed at my mum’s was becoming increasingly hard to deal with
- I’ve been consuming more and more alcohol to the extent I’ve started to get the shakes without it
- my dreams have become increasingly more terrifying it
- my obsession with pain is becoming unhealthy and I’ve been finding subtle ways of self harm without cutting (burning my arm, ripping my hair, ect)
- my relationship with my parents has dwindled into my father becoming my friend and my mother being like a headmaster (I don’t interact with her much nor have any emotional connection, but I feel as though I have to try and please her)
- I’m even more terrified of human relationships than ever before
And more.
Chris explained that I most likely was suffering from my anxiety more so than ever before due to the lack of parental figures in my life. Due to the fact it wasn’t my regular teacher in the room at the time of my anxiety attack I was unable to stop myself from losing control. I had lost an authority figure that I felt comfortable with and didn’t have the conditions to stop it.
Chris then went on and asked me how I would describe my internal and external situations. I described my external situation as the following
- emotionally barren
- uncomfortable
- constrictive
Chris explained that I due to these situations, I am more susceptible to emotional outbursts as my external surroundings are not giving me the support I need. I explained that despite the fact I’ve been put on first warning and Heidi (form tutor/Philosophy teacher) has phoned my Mum to discuss the situation, my mother has never asked why I have been missing college or how I’m feeling about things. After being quite shocked, Chris went on to say that most likely due to my mother’s past of being unable to control a situation, her rigid approach was probably how she dealt with it. She said that I had previously said I felt like I was alone, as I’m unable to talk to my parents or siblings about my problems without them stopping me after a sentence and rambling on about how they felt in a situation and giving me advise on what to do as opposed to asking me why I felt like this, and that I had previously said I felt as though I had no real friends as I was unable to talk to any of my friends without feeling rude or self centred. Chris said that without this, I am more likely to take my emotional outbursts on myself when I’m on my own (which I do) giving the impression that I’m perfectly alright. She also said that she had noted I go about things very formally, and that I appear afraid to show unhappiness, excitement or anger about how I feel for fear of someone shutting me down (very true)
I then described my internal situation as a very clean and tidy room with a cupboard full to the brim of shit with a lock on the door. The clean room represented how I present myself to people, not allowing people to see the mess. The lock represented my fear of letting people close, and that I didn’t want people to see how I truly felt. Once people opened the door, my emotions come pouring out and everything is ruined. Sometimes the door just bursts open. Chris said that I need to find a healthy outlet for my moods and that I was more than welcome to use these sessions as one.
Chris finally asked me how I felt about myself and was shocked to hear that I don’t really like myself. I then went on to say this;
“I see different aspects of myself differently. On one hand, yeah, I kind of like the fact that I’m my own person, I deal with my problems with myself and I’m normally in control of my emotions. But in all honesty, I hate myself. I’m not particularly nice, I don’t like people near me, and I’m unable to deal with a situation without fucking up. I don’t understand why I can’t. Why am I the one who breaks down in the middle of a class when everyone else is getting on with it okay? Why do I have to overreact when it’s probably nothing? I feel pathetic; I’m weak for not being able to deal with this stuff. I mean, there’s nothing really wrong with my life and I should be okay.”
Chris then replied
“Lucy, you sleep on the sofa with your parents three feet away from you, with no privacy, no support, you’ve been suffering with an addiction to cocaine and alcohol for the past two years, you have intimacy issues and even if you don’t believe it you suffer from depression. Plain and simple. You come to college, you want to go to university, you have had a job, you always have a smile on your face and you work incredibly hard. You are not weak and you are not pathetic.”
It was at this point that three tears went down my face.
It really helped today.
Next meeting is on Monday and 1.
Plato: Well then I guess I'm YOUR MOM
Plato: *high fives Socrates*
*uploads photo of themself semi nude*
*someone from college* Lol, I’m gunna post this around
*removes photo to make life easier*
Angst.
Trying to get an appointment for the doctors. I’ve been calling the doctors up for 20 minutes repeatedly, and I get one ring and “we are unable to take your call, lines are open between 9:00 and 17:00”. Oddly enough I don’t want to spend all on the phone to get an appointment for two weeks away. It’s why my problems never get solved, I’m simply too lazy.
She offered herself to the big, bad wolf and didn’t even scream when he took the first bite
I’m Lucy, I’m a teenager and I’ve only just started to feel alive.
How I look after a heavy night. Yes I have make up on, but its from the night before. I haven’t brushed my hair, or put on fresh clothes. And I still look pretty good. I prefer girls to look natural instead of dolled to the nines. So many girls don’t understand this; they assume they will have to always present themselves as perfect. I prefer a girl whose a bit scruffy and is able to relax around me rather than someone who is still and ridged and perfect.
